Hurting each other isn’t one of the ways to keep a relationship healthy, however, it’s something that happens even in long, happy, and healthy relationships: it’s inevitable. What matters the most is the way that the partners handle the damage they’ve caused. In reality, there are a lot of complections and complexities because each individual is different from another. Now, men cope with this situation slightly interestingly. He’ll either be in huge pain as well because of what he did or keep his head up and ignore the fact that he hurt you. Which one is your guy? 10 signs he knows he hurt you:
1. He apologizes
In most scenarios, a man does feel bad when he hurts you. Some admit to it, and some don’t. Those who admit to it ask for forgiveness. Apologizing is one of the signs that he feels bad for hurting you. Whatever it is that he did, if he’s willing to acknowledge it and apologize, it indicates his awareness of the pain he caused you. Men usually have a hard time apologizing due to societal norms on what’s “man enough” and what isn’t. He knows he messed up once he comes up and apologizes about it. One of the signs that someone feels guilty for hurting you is putting their egos aside and apologizing. The guilt wins over his ego, especially if you’re dear to his heart, and he apologizes. He is man enough once he does.
2. “I might not deserve you”
It’s a thought that stems from guilt. It’s one of the strongest signs that he knows he hurt you. He’s aware of the weight of his actions on you. He’s aware that he hurt you, and now he’s going through a tough thought process that involves questioning whether he deserves you or not. This of course depends on what he did and how much he hurt you, but generally the thought of “I don’t deserve you” stems from guilt and regret for doing something hurtful. When he knows he hurt you and he truly loves you, he’ll be in guilt, regret, and fear of losing you. “I might not deserve you” is a fair description of what he may be feeling at the moment. Romantic relationships can get a bit complicated, especially if there’s a lack of communication expressed verbally.You might hurt each other without knowing you’re doing so. You might have a hard time understanding what you want and need from each other.In such cases, a therapist can do wonders. A relationship hero isn’t far from your reach!
3. He tries communicating with you
When he realizes he hurt you his mind can get a little blurry and foggy… He needs to make things clear with you and understand what exactly hurt you, or at the very least he’ll try to understand how you’re feeling and what he could do to make things better. It also connects to the need for assurance that you forgave him because once he’s aware that he hurt you he’ll also be fearing to lose you. In this case, he’ll try to find the right words, questions, and answers to communicate with you and make you feel better. He opens up to you and talks with you as a way of connecting. This is a good sign indicating that not only he’s self-aware, but he’s also willing to take action on what he did wrong. Keep in mind, that using communication to reverse the situation and put the guilt on you is toxic. If his communication is clear and honest then it’s a healthy conversation indicating care for one another.
4. He listens to you
Due to the guilt he feels, he won’t have the urge to stop you from venting about what you’re feeling. This time, he knows it’s his time to listen and handle the truth about how he’s hurt you. He can’t afford to be disrespectful. This is one of the clear signs that he is sorry for hurting you: He’s willing to put up with your expression of anger and pain that he’s caused you. Of course, this is part of a healthy picture of a relationship. On the other hand, if he knows he hurt you but his ego beats the guilt, he’ll try to convince you that you deserved what he did to you. In a lot of cases, that’s an indication of abuse. If he sits down and listens to you, he’s willing to put his ego aside and see what he can do to make things up to you.
5. He’s nicer than usual
He opened doors for you before, but this time it’s a bit differently done. This is often his way of compensating the damage: being extra nice and kind to you. It’s not a bad thing, on the contrary, it’s a good sign that he feels guilty and sorry for hurting you. Now, this is his attempt to make it up to you. He could be buying you gifts just because, helping you out on something small that you can handle, complimenting you more than usual, etc. This behavior can often stem from regret for what he’s done, guilt, or fear of losing you. He genuinely intends to make it up to you by doing nicer things than usual to outgrow what hurt you. You’ll know he knows he hurt you once he learned from his mistake.
6. He’s got his guard up
At some point, usually, early on in the situation, he will defend himself. He’s very likely to ‘activate’ his defense mechanisms. If you’re dear and close to his heart, he’s likely to be in denial for a while. It’s a subconscious way to avoid getting hurt. In this case, he’ll be hurt to know how he hurt you, hence the need to prevent it for a while. He could be avoiding talking about the situation, or simply shutting down by getting silent, not communicating, and pulling away for a while. This usually happens for a short while until he comes back to his senses and realizes what he’s done. His behavior will then depend on his personality, and the connection he feels with you.
7. He pulls away
Hurting you can cause him to feel emotionally overwhelmed, especially if it was something accidental. This overwhelming state of mind can cause him to just shut down and participate/initiate communication as little as possible. It’s a way of him blocking and shutting down what’s causing this state of mind for him. This state, however, doesn’t last very long because sooner or later he comes back to his senses and gets bold enough to admit and acknowledge what he did. Pulling away is very common in situations where he knows he hurt you. Is often a defense mechanism triggered by embarrassment, guilt, and regret.
8. He takes action and does things differently this time
He learned his lesson and is ready to not repeat his mistakes. This one is more of a sign that shows up in the long run in the relationship… It’s a good sign of a healthy relationship if he gets the lesson from a mistake and never repeats it. This indicates your importance in his life. He won’t bear to hurt you again, so he’ll do everything he can to keep you close to him and not hurt you. He avoids doing what he did to hurt you, he’s more open in communication, and he is generally more caring towards you. In a few words, he’s willing to compromise and be more aware of his actions from now on.
9. He checks on you to see if you’re ok
His conscience is carrying the weight of guilt, so he needs reassurance. He needs to know you’re ok. When he loves you he’ll check on you now and then. Of course, it’s part of a healthy relationship to be in touch with your partner and know if they’re feeling ok. However, when he knows he hurt you, he’ll be a little bit extra on this part. He’ll put more effort and attention into your well-being than before. He texts you or calls you more often than usual just to see how you’re doing. This is even more significant if you talked about it, and communicated to him about how much his behavior impacted you (i.e. how much he hurt you).
10. He’s being careful around you
He’s extra careful to not say something he shouldn’t be because he knows he hurt you the last time. When a guy feels guilty for hurting you he’ll be very careful about what he says and what he does around you. You’ll be able to tell by the way he treats you, the way he talks to you, and the way he behaves when he’s around you. Essentially, he’ll be more gentle, affectionate, and loving towards you. This is often his way of making it up to you about what he did/said that hurt you. He might even start sacrificing things just to get to your heart again. He’ll put extra effort to make the pain that he caused you go away.
If he’s the type to have a hard time admitting his mistakes…
Men have a hard time admitting their mistakes in romantic relationships – due to societal norms on what represents masculinity. There’s the type who will admit what he did when he finally realizes he hurt you, and there’s the type who won’t admit what he did despite seeing you hurt… Here’s what a man that knows he hurt you, but is unwilling to admit it, does in this situation:
- He tries justifying himself. This is his way of trying to portray a somewhat lighter situation than it is at the moment. He goes around and round the whole thing, but doesn’t admit that what he did was wrong. However, he attempts to make his mistake seem smaller because he’s aware of the weight of it, and he’s very well aware that he hurt you.
- He won’t admit that he did something wrong. He knows he hurt you, but won’t admit he did it. As a way to protect his ego, he will go ways to avoid taking responsibility for his wrongdoings. It’s a way of avoiding dealing with the situation and getting done with it as soon as possible.
- He’ll try to avoid the argument about the situation. He’s quite aware of what he’s done but is unwilling to admit his fault, hence arguing about the situation makes him feel uncomfortable. He’s either not going to talk to you about this, or is going to not listen to what you have to say about it. This is an unhealthy way of coping with things, so keep in mind to be careful and take note of his behavior. If he cheated on you resulting in you getting very hurt and now he’s avoiding the argument, he’s very likely to cheat again. Try to see the weight of his action, how he reacts to it, and how it affects you.
- He’ll try to convince you he didn’t do anything wrong. This is yet another unhealthy way of coping with the situation. It’s usually considered gaslighting. In a few words, to put the weight of the fault on you, he tries to justify his behavior by convincing you he didn’t do anything wrong, and that all of this is in your head. In extreme situations, he’ll try to blame you for “making him do it”. If this is your situation, you’ll end up feeling guilty for bringing up questions and debates on how he hurt you. This is not a healthy way of solving problems as a couple. If it is a repetitive pattern then it’s very likely to bring the relationship to an end.
- He starts arguments on other topics. He does this to get your mind off of his wrongdoings and focus on other things. In other words, starting arguments on other topics is his way of making his mistake seem less important despite him knowing that he hurt you. In such cases, he feels powerless, and it’s his way of getting power back in the relationship. He could have low self-esteem, or simply be immature and not able to handle the situation like a grown, mature adult.
How does a man feel when he hurts a woman?
Generally, a man feels guilty, sorry, and ashamed after he hurts a woman. Especially if it’s a woman that he loves and holds close to his heart. However, there’s another type of man that gets pleasure out of hurting women: a player. Hurting a woman is a player’s validation and confirmation of his ‘manhood’. To him it is a success that he has women crying over him; it represents a victory. Keep in mind the healthy frames of a relationship if you want to know whether your man falls into the picture of a man who loves you or a man who plays you.
Thoughts on a man knowing he hurt you
You know when a man feels bad for hurting you once you see him putting effort into making it up to you, sincerely apologizing to you, and being careful with his behavior around you. A man can act like nothing happened despite knowing that he hurt you, and a man can act like his world fell apart because he knows he hurt you. The difference between these two men is love: one loves you and one doesn’t. If he feels love for you, the guilt and pain will win the battle with his ego: he’ll hurt along with you. So, which one is your man? Love, Callisto
